This is escapism I know, but one needs something to cope with all the madness and chaos that is the Philippines. So here are the movies I’ve watched in three lines or less:
1. 17 AGAIN:
Mike O’Donnell (Matthew Perry) – or as we like to call him, Chandler: I want to be 17 again.Mike O’Donnell (Zac Efron) – or as we like to call him, that guy Troy Bolton from High School Musical: I want to be a high school jock again!
Fans: Trying to suspend disbelief – how can somebody who looks like Zac Efron grow up to look like Chandler?!?
2. ANGELS and DEMONS
Camerlengo Patrick McKenna (Ewan McGregor): The pope is dead! Long live the Illuminati!
Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks): The pope is dead! Long live symbology!
Fans: Screw this! We’re just watching it for Ewan McGregor!
3. NEW MOON
(Ok this hasn’t come out yet, but I’ve read the book, so)
Edward: I can’t be with you. I’ll go to Italy and kill myself.
Jacob: I’m a werewolf and while Edward is away, I’ll make my move on Bella.
Bella: I will remain completely self-absorbed. Like I did in the last movie.
4. LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT
Family: We will vacation in the woods, somewhere away from civilization where of course, a group of psycho criminals will find us and wreak havoc on our picture perfect family.
Criminals: We will take your daughter, rape, torture and kill her.
Family: You missed. Now we torture and kill you.
5. DARK KNIGHT
Bruce Wayne: I am a rich playboy with a lot of issues who has a penchant for bats and for wearing costumes.Oh, I have the hots for the district attorney’s girlfriend.
Joker: I am a crazy man with a lot of issues with a penchant for bats and waring costumes and lipstick.
District Attorney Harvey Dent: You killed my girlfriend! Now I have a lot of issues as well! Oh, and I’m going to kill you both!
6. THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PYJAMAS
German boy: I am a lonely young boy with no playmates whose father is the commander of the Auschwitz camp.
Jewish boy: I am a lonely young boy with no playmates and I am about to die in the camp.
German boy: Let’s be friends! And I’ll sneak into the camp and die in the gas chamber with you and end the movie.
7. FREEDOM WRITERS
Erin Gruwell (Hilary Swank): I am young, privileged, naive, white teacher with an insecure (but really hot!) husband, intent on making a difference in my poor high school students’ lives.
Students: What the f*ck do you know about being poor?!?
Erin Gruwell: Let me tell you about Anne Frank.
Lily (Jessica Lucas): My boyfriend’s brother has been promoted to VP and is moving to Japan. I will throw a party, have my boyfriend video it, invite my boyfriend’s brother’s bestfriend who had a one-night stand with him and complicate things.
Lily’s boyfriend, Jason: I will ask my friend Hud to video it instead because I can’t be bothered with all this.
Hud the Cameraman: I am in love with one of the guests and will video her instead.
Lily’s boyfriend’s brother, Rob: A disaster just struck and I will drag you all over New York trying to rescue the love of my life.
Monster: I don’t care about your stupid storyline. I’ll eat you all and end the movie.
9. THE SPIRIT
The Spirit: I don’t know what I am, but I like saving people.
The Octopus: I hate The Spirit and I hate people. I’ll just make life a living hell for The Spirit and the people.
Moviegoer: I cannot believe this crappy movie ever got made.
10. ACROSS THE UNIVERSE:
Jude: I am a working class lad from Liverpool in search of my father who I believe works in Yale, save up to go to the US, find out my father is a janitor in Yale, befriend a Yalie drop out, meet his pretty (and really hot!) sister, Lucy, move to New York, get deported and try to win his sister back.
Lucy: I will just be the object of Jude’s affection. Oh, and get involved in anti-Vietnam protests.
Prudence: I am the token closeted Asian-American lesbian in love with the New York landlady with a promising storyline that suddenly quietly disappears.
Director: I’ll throw in some other characters and compress all the issues of the 60s into this one movie, plus add in the coolest Beatles music sung with psychedelic backdrop.
Moviegoer: Awesome! (at least for me it was. Who can resist a Beatles’ musical?!?)
11. MAMMA MIA
Sophie (Amanda Seyfried): I don’t know who my father is! I need to know who it is before my big wedding! I’ll steal my mom’s diary, find out my mom slept with three men, invite them all to the wedding and figure out who my father is.All the tune of Abba songs!
Donna (Meryl Streep): I don’t know who my daughter’s father is. I see all three of them before the big wedding and start singing Abba songs!
Three possible fathers: We don’t know which one of us is Sophie’s father. But who cares?!? We’ll just have a ball singing and dancing (rather excruciatingly) to Abba songs!
Moviegoer (mostly me): Awesome!
12. MADE OF HONOR
Tom Bailey (Patrick Dempsey): I am in love with my bestfriend and of course it will take me the whole movie to realize this.
Hannah (Michelle Monaghan): I am in love with my bestfriend and of course it will take me the whole movie to realize this.
Director: Let’s throw in every other cliche into this movie and hope for the best! Oh, and throw in Patrick Dempsey in a really short, short tartan skirt!
Moviegoer (thinking): Wow…crap…but the leads are hot, so I guess I can forgive him/her!