From a letter I wrote to a friend,
I miss instant hot water. I am back to heating up water for my baths. Sadness.Sometimes, when I am feeling lazy, like today, I takea bath with cold water. That was cold. I miss not being recognized by neighbors and friends and acquaintances. They look at me like I’m some kind of walking money who just came from abroad, expecting me to treat everyone.
Of course, I just ignore them. But! It is damn annoying. I have a classmate from college who is kind of a bit famous now. His face is on the billboards. He is a broadcaster now, for a prominent national TV network, you can see his face on a billboard while you walk down. That was a bit depressing. He wasn’t a good student, but now he is kind of successful. But! the thing is, I am not into broadcasting. I know I am not good-looking enough for that, and I hate having to dress up in skirts and wear make-up and trying to look good in front of the camera as I report about who died, who got murdered, who murdered, etc. etc. But why do I still secretly want his success? I don’t know. In , I thought I got everything figured out. I come here, and I feel a alienated, isolated, displaced, like this neighborhood, this city, this country has moved on, and I struggle to find my place again in this country. Everything seems familiar and not-so familiar. My journalist-friend and I talked about this and we agree that we writers are artists who feel things more strongly,more profoundly than the average person. It’s not romanticizing our status,it’s just reality. I tell her but at least we are more normal than most artists or writers (who either went mad, or killed themselves or whatever), and she says, “That’s what you think.” I presume much I guess. My artist friend actually worked for that TV network as well, but left after a year or so only – I think she wasn’t into that as well. Sigh.
Sometimes I can’t help but ask myself, what am I doing here? Why did I come back? IN the confusion and noise of thirdworld surroundings, I find the plans I made in London seem tougher to achieve – because of obstacles. I want to do so much, but I don’t know where to start.