Love in the time of Kho: sex, lies and pirated DVDs (part 2) or my own tips on how NOT to get caught making love on cam)

As you may recall, I posted Inquirer editor Pennie Azarcon-de la Cruz’s tips (“Lovemaking in the time of Hayden cameras”) on how NOT to get caught having sex with potential Hayden Kho cameras lurking in the room. To wit:

1. Make sure to conduct all lovemaking under a blanket. 2. To save energy—in all sense of the word—turn off the lights before you so much as unhook a bra or slip into pajamas.3. Invest in masks and complete anonymity and turn foreplay into fun and games. 4. Be considerate of minors who might later be watching your video.5. Be sure to give credit where it’s due. 6. And finally, if you strongly suspect there’s a hayden camera but can’t locate it, relax, lie down and make sure you look really good.

As Ms. Azarcon gamely admitted that she is ancient and thus glad that her youthful indiscretions took place before digital technology, cameras, internet and the wonder that is DVD piracy (this would mean she grew up in the Middle Ages ^^), I find that her suggestions are not enough. Unlike her, my generation grew up right smack in the middle of the digital revolution, Dr. Juan Flavier’s DOH/Catholic Church condom wars and the availability of alternative lifestyles on the internet. Although I sympathize with Katrina Halili, I think maybe if she had come across these, maybe she wouldn’t be in the quandary she is in right now (Warning: this is not for the faint of heart, or the narrow-minded or the perverted. Your inappropriate comments will not be tolerated. That being said, let’s continue to take this issue seriously, devote more time, space and energy than necessary, even as the Philippine economy spirals out of control, the employment is on the rise and our politicians keep getting dumber every election year. Enjoy!). My suggestions are as follows:

1. Phone sex. What better way to stay away from possibly compromising situations that will be distributed in Quiapo and inadvertently become blockbusters, making unwitting, unwilling stars of its actors? Phone sex is safe, can be done anywhere, and no clothes have to be taken off, and no dignity or reputation tarnished. Unless you are a politician, your phone gets wire-tapped and some conscientious journalist gets hold of it and broadcasts it for the whole nation to hear. In which case, you must have an exit strategy involving a State of the Nation Address, a Charter Change and the best damn apology the nation has ever seen.2. Consider dating the same sex.There is nothing un-PC  or extreme with this suggestion. In a patriarchal, sexist, homophobic country such as ours where though gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people abound but are just tolerated or worse, ignored, the worse thing that can happen to any person is to be caught in the throes of ecstacy with the same sex. The doer and the do-ee are both afraid of being outed, and thus the likelihood of a secret camera in the person of either,or hidden in the room, is virtually nil. Plus, you help the cause of GLBT rights everywhere, and you might actually increase the same sex population to such a degree that the Philippine government might just consider granting GLBT people the rights that they deserve.

3. Be more creative. The trouble with the kind of life we have right now is people always live on the fast lane.  If people are more creative, then maybe they could avert crisis. Try some S&M, for example. The leather masks, the leather gear, the whip – will all make sure your anonymity is maintained. Just make sure you have a safe word. Not your thing? Then try sex role playing, which involves dressing up, themes, a storyline and calling each other by specific names, is always a good antidote to doing it in your birthday suit.

4. Explore the joys of solo sex. Afraid of being caught on camera? Bored? Then stay at home and love yourself some more! Add candles, incense and a bit of Barry White and voila! you will discover that the greatest love of all is in you all along.

5. Discover the art of achieving sexual pleasure, without actually going all the way. Dry sex?  No, it is not as dry nor as unfulfilling as you may think.Time to order copies of “Kama Sutra”, Japanese Pillow Books, and books on tantric sex on the internet. You do not only help the book industry, score points with your partner, but you will also drive the Department of Finance and the the Bureau of Internal Revenue nuts so much that they might actually consider removing tax on imported books. Unless they really have no brains and think that aside from Stephanie Myers’ “Twilight” books being subversive, sex books are as well.

6.  And when all fails, abstinence is best. Sure, you will always be grumpy and unfulfilled, and you will always feel like you need release, but aside from keeping the Catholic Church happy, you can sleep knowing that you live to fight another sex-scandal-free day.

Note: Can’t get enough of the Hayden Kho-Katrina Halili sex video scandal? Read part 3 of my “Love in the time of Kho” series by clicking here, as I try to find the correlation between philosophy, metaphysical ramifications and the senate inquiry into the sex video scandal.